melyssa-angel-wall

I was watching this video training the other day on how to be a rockstar public speaker and I’m pretty sure the advice is applicable to blogging too, so here goes…

I will be 49 in October and I’m a solo mama of an amazing and asynchronous 11-year-old son. I am also an artist-writer-singer-musician-in-hiding who has been working in massage therapy for 20 years and feeling like a sell-out fraud. I’ve been carrying about 50 pounds more than my body was designed to carry and I’m TIRED ALL THE TIME.

Can you relate?

I’m convinced that when we allow ourselves to live lives that feel inauthentic to our spirits, that do not encourage and allow us to fully express our gifting – how we were designed by GOD – this fraudulent existence catches up with us all sooner or later.

For some, it is a terminal diagnosis that turns their world upside down. For others, it can be the end of a relationship… a divorce or the death of someone dear… Whatever disguise our personal harbinger chooses to wear, the message is the same to all of us… TIME is SHORT – GET MOVING!!

My personal life-altering experience took the form of being rejected from the first person I’d opened my heart to in nearly 30 years, followed by being thrown out of our home of five years by a tearful landlady who needed us to vacate so her daughter could move in…

So, here I am, forty-eight, overweight, exhausted, 100% responsible for the well being of a gifted child who is entering puberty with all the accompanying mood swings and angst exacerbated by his mentally ill father’s emotional and physical unavailability and the resulting feelings of rejection and worthlessness that just add to the mix. Oh, and HOMELESS – did I mention HOMELESS??

I took my son out of private school in the third grade because he was being unmercifully bullied and NO ONE would help despite repeated teacher conferences and  trips to the headmaster’s office groveling. Our lives had become a series of parting at 7:30am and reuniting physically and emotionally spent eleven hours later, only to go home and endure his hour long anxiety attacks nearly daily… the fragile veneer of holding it together he managed to prop up at school came crashing down at night all over me. But I was so exhausted from spending my days caring for hurting people in a too-fast-paced-for-me environment that I had nothing left to give.

Something had to shift.

I dropped my hours at the office, and eventually left that place and pace altogether to work limited hours at a quieter office and on private clients while I attempted to deschool my son so he could breathe and feel like a human again…

We went from having adequate money for bills to struggling financially, but emotionally we were both better off. Some things are more important than money and those things are us.

Without the constant stress and anxiety of running on empty, I was finally able to breathe and think and look around and ask my heart what was true and what she needed.

What was true of me was that massage therapy, though I was good at it, was a means of hiding from my purpose.

I went to massage school in 1995, not because I had any burning desire to be a therapist, but because the tuition was $16,000 less than the recording engineering school that was singing to my heart. I’ve spent 21 years languishing in a profession where I’ve done the minimum to get by. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a competent therapist and have many clients who are delighted with my work. But I have NEVER had that spark… that JOY… that desire to devote myself wholeheartedly to massage that I’ve experienced with songwriting and sharing my songs with the world.

It’s not always that glaringly wrong choices that rob our hearts… sometimes it’s the ones that make good fiscal sense…

This is why, I believe, Jesus said the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil… not just the obvious corporate greed killing baby seals or poisoning the environment evil… Perhaps most insidious is the evil that seduces us with the promise of financial security at the expense of our dreams…

Could it be that the very God who created us actually WANTS us to live as joyful creators too?

I’ve been sitting with this thought for a while…then romantic rejection opened the floodgates of my heart and I saw the rejection for what it was – a mirror.

I had been rejecting MYSELF – my heart, my vulnerability, my passion and artistry – in the name of being a responsible parent. I was robbing MYSELF of the life I was meant to live AND robbing my precious little boy of the JOY of the mother he had been born to…

His mother was not some medical-machinery-live-for-a-paycheck-sellout-hopeless-drudge. HIS mother was a magical, ethereal faerie dancer whose prose had been praised as “miraculous as the Birth of Venus!”

When we ALLOW ourselves to REMEMBER who we ARE… THAT’s when the MAGIC can start to happen in our lives…

My passion, my heart’s desire and my MISSION on the planet is to hold up to your face that same Silver Mirror so that YOU can REMEMBER who YOU ARE!

Be Who You Are…

The World is full of people no one’s ever known…

And Each of them a treasure waiting to be shown…

So take this invitation to set your Spirit free…

And you can be who you’re meant to be…

The World needs YOU…

If you would like to join our adventure and follow us as we follow our hearts, click here (email list link).